dating with Fibro/CFIDS

There was a post this week on a fibro/CFIDS meetup discussion board I frequent about how does one date with a chronic illness? The discussion itself if private, but I can tell you some of it - at least what I said.

The question was: How supportive have people been? When do you tell them? What do you tell them...at first, and when you're tired and in too much pain to go out yet again? Maybe others have had better luck explaining this to people, so any advice would help!

And I chimed in: When I was dating, in retrospect, my illness was a much bigger deal to me than it was to the person sitting across the table. I felt like I was wearing something on my forehead, announcing to the world that i was damaged goods (or should be.)

Around that time I heard a friend of mine, a handsome, charming man who is in more then perfect health, jokingly refer to himself as "damaged goods" with his fiance. "Yeah, she knows all about it," he laughed, "I'm not gonna lie to anyone, I've been married, I've been divorced, I've been used and abused; I'm damaged goods."

And it was so clear to me that EVERYONE comes to dating with their own boat load of insecurities. And how we deal with them is something we have to do within the context of our own personalities. Sense of humor can be an indispensible part of that.

I've been dating Colin for 6 years now, and I can't remember when I brought up being sick. I think that's because i didn't lay it all on him in one big heap. I mentioned I'd had heart surgery in the past year, (and kept that all pretty upbeat) and it was necessary pretty early to mention that I have a bladder disease, and the rest just sort of unfolded au natural.

Months later, when I asked him what exactly he does feel about my illness, he said - and still says - "it's part of you, and I love you," and honest to god he says that as if I asked him if he wants butter or jam on his english muffin.

Know that for many good people, giving you that extra support you need feeds, in turn, their need to be loved and needed and wanted, as well, so it's not all on you that you're some sort of taker. My partner says he fell for me because I'm so easy to talk to. Who knew I had that to offer?

I think it's important to be steady and clear that this is part of who you are, and that you're just as entitled as everybody else to have the relationship you want.

Incidentally, I think being sick made me finally stop dating those self-centered shitheads I liked to think I could "tame" or stop being shitheads because wasn't I so - cool? Embarrassing, but true, I was a sucker for a guy who loved himself a bit to death, and I had something to prove. I finally started dating again with this new theme: Ask not what you can do for your boyfriend, but what your boyfriend can do for you.

As for meeting someone, I heard an interview on Oprah (yes, I know, Oprah) with a woman who wrote a book which claims if you do what she says you will meet a partner within 12 months. A little blown up, I'm sure, but she suggests starting conversations with people in situations you normally would not. Not to be obnoxious about it, but, you know, standing in line (or on line, I know!)at the post office, waiting for a bus, whatever. Put out that one sentence and see if you get a positive response.

She says you'd be surprised, and I think she's right. She contends that it's not that you haven't crossed paths with the right person, it's just that you have SPOKEN to them.

As for the rest..m meeting peopel and creating energy for dates...

I would suggest a couple things...feel free to chime in, anyone.

Know what you love to do , what energizes you, and pick one or two things which can get you face to face with other people. I joined a songwriters circle and even though I didn't meet anybody there, (well, there was not mutual interest on my part) it turned out to be an invaluable source of creative and emotional support!

Remain open minded. If a friend wants to set you up, try it. (That was the route to my current relationship.)

Look at whether there is any wiggle room in your professional life - can any of it move over to make some hours for social time?

I think it's really tricky when you're like me - generally people drain me and I need alone time to regenerate. But sometimes I also find when I just suck it up and go out anyway i feel better, I'm proud of myself that I went out and did something productive toward my goal of meeting more people, and I end up having some intersting discussions and laughing despite myself!

But the balance is to do it when you can plan some recovery time - Friday night when you don't have to work the next morning, or Sunday afternoon.

I did do internet dating for a while and had some mixed results. A lot of my friends have tried it, and most have had some pretty darned good results, though the going can be rough on those first few dates. There's a "figuring it out" period where you have to discern how to match your profile with whatever attracts the good ones, how to screen for toads, etc.

Though there's not always a wait. One of my neighbors met her "one" on the first date! (not because I helped her with her profile, I'm sure! ;-). So, you never know.